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The Position to Help

Our middle son is finishing up his last year of medical school. Anyone in medical school has to go through rotations of all of the different specialties in medicine. So even if you know for sure, that you want to become a country family doctor or a psychiatrist, you still have to go through surgical rotations and emergency room rotations and rotations in the Intensive Care Unit and in Burn Units. My son’s medical school is part of a hospital system in a major city in the United States. The things that he has witnessed in just a few short years, are overwhelming to just hear about them. (I could never be in the medical fields. I don’t have the temperament for it, but I am so utterly grateful for, and respectful of those of you who do. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.) As a mother, I am constantly taking my son’s “temperature” to ensure myself that he isn’t traumatized and distressed, by all that he has seen and experienced. One time my son said something to me, really profound and comforting. He said, “Mom, if I had been a helpless witness to the accident or to the situation that brought the patient to us, that would be far more traumatizing. It is a great feeling to be in the position to help.”

That is what I mean by my tagline. If we can alchemize our pains into healing for ourselves and for others, the pain doesn’t remain in its most dire, useless, self-perpetuating state. It is a great feeling to be in the position to help. Our pain gets to a higher level of healing and empowerment, when we use it to help others instead of using it to hurt others, to bring them down to the level of pain which we are feeling. (Unfortunately, misery loves company.) We get empowered over our pain when we use it as a catalyst to change what created our pain in the first place. Look at all of the people who have turned their own pain for good: civil rights leaders, women’s rights leaders, gay rights leaders, AA sponsors, diet/fitness gurus who were once overweight and unhealthy and now help others to get healthy, gun control advocates who have lost loved ones to violence, research advocates for a myriad of diseases who have lost loved ones to suffering, therapists and grief counselors who have healed their own mental health issues and want to help others to do the same, people who grew up poor and now create opportunities in the impoverished communities that they grew up in, spiritual leaders who once lost all hope, and then found inspiration and faith, and bring that inspiration to others, etc. etc.

We all have pain. Own your pain. Don’t deny it. Don’t let it eat you up inside and destroy you. Don’t remain unaware and project your pain onto someone else. Don’t compare your pain to others’ pain. This is your pain. Allow yourself to feel it. Be angry at who/what caused or contributed to your suffering. Be sad. Be compassionate. Make yourself seek help if you need help to process your pain. When you allow others to help you, you are giving them the great, empowered feeling of being in the position to help, and to continue to alchemize their own pain into uplifting good. When you accept help for your pain, you are letting your helper see that their own pain suffered wasn’t entirely in vain. And then, when you are feeling healed enough to start helping, do it. Do it. It is a great feeling to be in the position to help.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2712. What phrase or quote best describes you?

Wednesday’s Whimsies

+ “Ours is the commencement of a flying age, and I am happy to have popped into existence at a period so interesting.” – Amelia Earhart

No matter when we have “popped into existence” we are always on the cusp of the next latest technology and societal progressions, which are right around the corner. Life is immensely interesting at any point, if we let our curiosities supercede our fears.

+ For all of my readers out there who have been called “too sensitive” more than once in your life, here is yet another reminder that your sensitivity is your strength. Below, in bold, is an excerpt from an article written by the scientist, Sarah Quirk:

  1. In every ecosystem there are Indicator Species that are, effectively, “too sensitive.” They are deeply and quickly impacted by minor environmental changes. Scientists closely measure their populations specifically — like a vital sign — to understanding of the health of the overall ecosystem. They act like the canary in the coal mine for biologists to know when something is wrong that may affect everything else in the future.

2. Sensitivity is not just subjective. It is also becoming objective. There is a growing body of research that is showing the genetics of SPS (sensory processing sensitivity), a trait that indicates high levels of environmental sensitivity. It has been correlated with traits like ASD, anxiety, depression, higher levels of emotional processing, ability to read others’ emotions, and more. It’s estimated that 10-20% of studied human populations contain the SPS trait. (As such, maybe we can imagine caring for ourselves in the way that other genetic predispositions require: like fair skin needing sunscreen; sensitivity needing to find the people who want to (to your points) talk it out, reassure you that they love you, learn more and more about themselves.)

3. The evolutionary benefits of having highly-sensitive individuals in your community cannot be overstated. These were people that first noticed environmental changes in taste, smells, sounds, lights; emotional states, potential conflict and danger. These were people who could sense and warn their communities. (My unproven guess is that they were also probably the storytellers, the healers, the guides that led others through the darknesses of being human.)

If you have shut down your sensitive parts, allow them to flow again. They are a gift, not a curse. We all need your precious sensitivities to help guide the way.

+ I was listening to a podcast the other day that talked about the fact that many women deny their anger. In society, we women have learned that “our anger is bad” (and the flip side of this, men have been conditioned that anger is the only acceptable “negative” emotion for them) It is vital to remember that all of us, no matter what our sexual orientation is, feel every emotion on the behavioral spectrum, because we are all humans with complex brains and bodies, living in a complicated world. If you are a woman who is not connected with your angry parts, remember the “Mama Bear”. There is nothing more fearsome and fierce than her. It is important to note that it is vital to allow your own inner “Mama Bear” to protect you, yourself, every bit as much as your own inner Mama Bear protects those who are in her care. You are your own cub.

+ My husband and I were boating over the weekend, and where we usually go boating was overrun with boats and swimmers with red flags, who were collecting scallops, since we are in the middle of a few weeks of “scalloping season” here in our town in Florida. In case you are ever a contestant on Jeopardy, here are a few interesting facts about scallops: Scallops are the only bivalve mollusks (oysters and clams are other bivalve mollusks) which can jump and swim. Scallops cannot shut their shells completely. Scallops are made up of 80 percent protein and low in fat, making them one of the healthiest shellfish options to eat. Scallops have been around since at least the Triassic period. Scallops have many eyes (up to two hundred) Hope I didn’t ruin dinner for you!:

photo credit: Popular Mechanics

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2615. What color combination do you love together? (Mine is red and aqua. My two favorite colors look divine together!!)

Ruler

This is the year for Ixora in my neighborhood. Ixora is a shrub (also known as West Indian Jasmine) that has the brightest orange flowers that you ever wanted to see. (Do you remember “Neon Orange” of the ’80s? Ixora’s flowers are a slightly darker, sophisticated, yet poppin’ off version of that color.) This year the Ixora is having its “breakout year.” This year, in our neck of the woods, Ixora is the Taylor Swift of pop, the Michael Jordan of basketball, the Gordon Ramsay of cooks, the Frank Sinatra of blue eyes. And of course, we don’t have any Ixora in our yard. We do not own one Ixora bush. Nada one. This year, our yard looks a little bland and “meh” compared to all of our surrounding neighbors who have rows and rows of Ixora shrubs accenting their homes from every angle. Even my bougainvillea has decided to have an “off year.” Why bloom? That takes work.

I commented, trying to hide my jealousy, to my neighbor across the street, about just how amazing his Ixora looks this year. He said, “I know. I even texted my ex-wife a picture to ask her if she ever remembered the Ixora looking so lovely, when she still lived here.” Hmmm. Now, was that just a little passive-aggressive move really necessary?

No, the truth is, the Ixora has never looked this lovely. It has never bloomed so hard. It has never popped off like this since we have lived here for over a decade. Ixora is having its year. The conditions must be in perfect alignment, because Ixora is having its own shining moment in the sun. Interestingly, the word “Ixora” means “ruler, or lord.” This year, Ixora rules. It’s Ixora’s day in the sun.

I’ve noticed this particular phenomenon every year with our plants. It’s almost like they happily take turns with the spotlight. “This is your year, succulents. Strut your stuff.” “Cannas, you’re looking taller and showier than ever, this year. You bloom, baby!” Gardens, even if you never change the plants, invariably look a little bit different in every single season, in every single year. The plants seem to give each other room to grow, and space to bloom. The individual plants don’t seem to compete for attention. They do their best every year, with the conditions which they find themselves in. And while each year, a particular plant does seem to have its own showcase moment, the others all around it, are what help to make its individual beauty look so amazing. The other plants surround it with their own beauty, and together the overall garden is what makes for the true “feast for the eyes.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2961. What excites you about the future?

Monday – Funday

Credit:@Design-Assassin, X

I devote this Monday to Cycle Breakers. These are the people who stop the continuation of “Hurt People Hurt People.” Cycle breakers alchemize their hurt to change it to good, and to healing, and to hope for others who are walking similar paths. Cycle Breakers change their hurt from “excuses for their behavior” to “motivations for change.” I know many of these people intimately. These are “my people.”

“A cycle breaker is someone who doesn’t perpetuate harmful behavior because it was all they knew. They went searching for other options. They were determined to learn more. They trusted that all they knew wasn’t enough because they wanted a different life.” – Nate Postlethwait

“A cycle breaker is someone who grew up without an example of the life they wanted or needed, and fought like hell to build that life later.” – Nate Postlethwait

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

562. If you were entering a baking contest, what recipe would you make?

Soul Sunday

Good morning. Welcome to poetry day on the blog. This is the poem to soak in and to feel and to live today, and onwards forever. Walt Whitman speaks of the confidence and the unconditional love we need to have for ourselves. There is no other way to peace. Sit content in this poetry. Sit content in yourself.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

439. Whom do you trust the most in your life?

No Place Like Home

My friend and I were having an interesting conversation yesterday about what feels like “home.” My friend is a recent transplant to her town in Florida and while she loves it, she’s not sure if it feels like “home” yet. I’ve lived in Florida for thirteen years now, the longest I’ve lived anywhere in my adult life, and sometimes I’m not even sure if it feels like “home.” If I’m honest, there were times I didn’t feel at “home” even in my own hometown. Truthfully, there are even times that I haven’t felt at home in my own skin. It got me to thinking that “home” isn’t really a place. “Home” is more of a feeling of security, comfort, acceptance, wholeness, belonging, peace of mind, and connection. We intuitively know we are “home” when we feel that perfect mix of these feelings all at once, wherever we happen to be, and with whomever we happen to be with. Yesterday, I felt perfectly “at home” with my dear friend.

I watched an adorable video this morning of a little girl belting out a song from the Disney movie, Frozen at a Waffle House. She was singing and dancing and along with her, a wonderful Waffle House employee was singing and dancing with equal dramatics and enthusiasm. They interviewed the little girl’s mother on the video, and she was gushing about this particular Waffle House. The little girl’s mother said that she and her friends think that it should be called “Waffle Home” instead of “Waffle House.”

We all know that distinction between “house” and “home.” A house shelters us, but a home nourishes us. A house is somewhere to stay, but a home is somewhere to heal. A house can be amazingly grand and perfect in every way, but if it is missing those essential ingredients of warmth and well-being, it’s just a lovely structure. Sometimes we go somewhere we’ve never been and we feel instantly “at home”. This just seems to prove that “home” is something that we carry with us.

We all have heard the adage, “Home is where the heart is.” When we reach middle age and beyond, our hearts have been stretched to many places, to many experiences, to many people, at many different stages of life. Maybe it’s harder to feel “at home” when pieces of your heart are spread all over the wide map of your own one life.

We all can agree, when we do feel “at home”, there is no better feeling. The people, places, animals and experiences which make us feel at home are the best gifts in life.

“Where we love is home – home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” – Maya Angelou

“When you finally go back to your old home, you find it wasn’t the old home you missed but your childhood.” – Sam Ewing

“Where thou art, that is home.” -Emily Dickinson

“God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.” – Meister Eckhart

“One never reaches home, but wherever friendly paths intersect the whole world looks like home for a time.” – Hermann Hesse

“Home is the nicest word there is.” – Laura Ingalls Wilder

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1344. How would you explain your basic life philosophy?

Wayuu, It’s Friday!!

Hi Friends! Welcome to Friday! What’s not to love about Friday? On Fridays, I focus on the nitty gritty fun stuff. On Fridays, I discuss some of my favorite things and I am forever hoping that some of you will share your favorites in my Comments section, so that I can find some new favorites in my own life. (Sharing is caring.)

Today’s favorite of mine is seen above. That is my gorgeous Colombian Wayuu bag (traditional bags which are made by the indigenous Wayuu tribes of Colombia and Venezuela, also called mochilas) which I have been carrying around all summer. Now, I am a bag girl, and I have many beautiful, unusual handbags at all different price points, but never in my life, have I received more compliments on a bag. Never. I get daily compliments on this bag. I literally had a woman stop her car in a parking lot yesterday, to tell me how much she loves my bag. I LOVE this bag, too. It’s like I have a gorgeous little knit friend with me, all day long. I got my Colombian Wayuu bag at a local arts fair, but if you google them, you will find many sources who sell these gorgeous, colorful, handmade handbags that seem to scream, “Summer! Happy! Bright! Beautiful! Fearless!” Get yourself one or buy one as a gift. You won’t regret it.

Have an amazing Friday, friends!! See you tomorrow.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2343. Do you like to read or write more, or both equally?

Dots

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down and it has made all of the difference in my life.” – Steve Jobs

How many of us, in these middle years of our lives, have already been able to connect some of the dots of our past, which help to make sense of the direction we needed, in order to become the person we are now? How many of us are now grateful for some experiences that at the time seemed horrific/unfair/unimaginable to us, but we now realize helped change the trajectory of our lives for good? I have always held the belief that life isn’t happening to us. It is happening for us. It’s not a game of individual stakes. It is a system that we are a part of, that is evolving towards its own perfection.

The end product of any great work of art, architecture, entertainment, scientific discovery, engineering, physical feats etc. rarely shows the mistakes, the mishaps, the sacrifices, the doubts, the do-overs, the anguish, the pain, the hopes, the fears, the wins, the losses, nor the countless hours of dedication that took to achieve it. We sometimes think that greatness just appeared easily, and out of thin air. Many of the ideas of greatness may seem to appear magically out of thin air, but bringing these ideas into fruition, involved a lot of bold individual “dots” before they are fully connected into the pictures of greatness which we witness today.

Trust that one day, what doesn’t make sense to you now, will someday make complete sense, when you are able to zoom out and see the whole picture, and you are able to connect the dots that form the picture of your own life, as a teeny beautiful part of the overall masterpiece of Life and Creation. You certainly don’t have to live in this state of faith and trust (you have free will), but what is a better alternative?

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1292. Have you ever walked a tightrope?

Oh So Trippy!

So, I have to take Trip to the vet today for his rabies shot. Trip is our Boykin Spaniel. Trip is the result of my Pandemic Panic/Sadness. “Oh, this is so sad! We need happiness! We need distraction! Let’s get a third dog! Let’s get a puppy!” (maybe Covid went to my brain)

Our family adores Trip, despite his spicy personality, his arrogant sense of entitlement, and his noisy insistence of all of the attention in the room. No one outside of our family shares our adoration for Trip. No one at all. (even our other dogs are lukewarm to the idea of Trip) When the veterinarian’s assistant called me earlier this week to confirm his appointment, and I had to check my calendar because I thought that I had a conflict, she quickly stated, “Look, we can change it. It is really not a problem at all to change the appointment.” (she was probably combing the schedule for her day off)

Why do we sometimes adore the most obnoxious personalities alive? Are they a projection of everything that we wish we could say, but don’t? Do we sometimes wish we had the courage to be more audacious? Sometimes I think that we in the family all deeply cherish Trip because of his exclusive love and adoration for us. “He likes us and nobody else. Aren’t we special?”

My son’s girlfriend said that Trip reminds her of Animal from the Muppets. I think that Trip is a cross between Animal and Oscar the Grouch. Despite his faults, I begrudgingly admit that Trip owns a big piece of my heart. (and he guards it ferociously)

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

504. Do you talk to yourself?

Acceptance

The question is, “What to write about when the world seems like it is a mess?” I started writing this daily blog in 2018. I have written this blog, almost every single day, living through many “messes” already (both globally and personally): the unprecedented pandemic; the leaving of each of my four precious children out from our comfortable, safe nest into their own adult lives; the worst year to date, of the seizures that come with my youngest son’s epilepsy; the long drawn-out, debilitating illness of my mother-in-law which culminated in her death; suicides of loved ones, the craziness of seeing horrific wars erupt, and witnessing multiple divisive elections, multiple hurricanes, multiple societal horrors, etc. etc. . . . . .and yet here I am, sitting in my writing nook, in my peaceful stillness, looking out my large windows at the gorgeous, sunlit nature teeming all around me, my beloved dogs all afoot, dozing quietly and comfortably. Throughout all of the messes, I have experienced so, so many joys: witnessing each of my children thrive into their adulthoods, in both love and in their careers and studies and health; amazing, mind-blowing trips and adventures with my husband, family members and friends; countless delicious meals and vibrant conversations and stimulating walks and fascinating reading, on an everyday basis; and of course, Writing. I write practically every single day and it is one of my greatest joys and sense of being and purpose in my lifetime. Writing is one of my daily doses of joy which I freely give to myself with gratitude for my ability and propensity and enthusiasm to do it.

Messes, big and small, are part of life. Joy is part of life. Just because there are messes does not mean that you should deny yourself your joys. If anything, the bigger the mess, the more we need to double-down on our joys and our sense of purpose and meaning. We might never be able to make sense of the messes (although we often survive the messes, and sometimes even thrive because of them), but we can always find meaning in our own every day experience, even if that meaning is just to focus fully on the sensual, visceral experience of each moment that we are alive and breathing. When we bring ourselves to a deep level of peace, and calm, and awe, we add these beautiful elements into our collective experience, and the more that we do this on an individual basis, the more the joys outweigh the messes, in our own lives and also, in the shared experience of our world. And this is how, the whole world subtly gets lifted out of its painful messes.

“Acceptance is the key to unlocking the door of contentment.” – Celestine Chua

“Acceptance doesn’t mean you agree with, condone, or give up. It simply means you stop fighting reality.” – Dan Millman

“Acceptance does not mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it.” – Michael J. Fox

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1181. Have you ever built a snowman? (I think snow is a good thing to focus on, during this ridiculously hot summer).