I’ve mentioned before that I am not a person who cares all that much about politics. There is already way too much political poo on the internet, in my opinion. So, I am taking a big risk here, by leaving my comfort zone of complete silence, concerning the political arena of today. This will probably be the last time that I will bring up anything in the way of American politics, so please don’t turn my Comments section into a grand stand or an argument zone. There are plenty of other forums for that, only a few clicks away.
Everyone who I know and who I care about (all reasonable and loving people), no matter where they stand on the political scale in America – red, blue or purple, is exhausted from all of the ridiculous discord and partisanship that has plagued our country for much too long. On a walk recently, my husband said to me, “What if the masses of us (a vast majority), all of the sudden declared ourselves “independent” voters, what would they do? Who could they pander to?” No one who I personally know, stands so rigidly for all of the dogma of either side. Most of us really are “independent” when it comes to various issues that affect our society and our individual families, if we are honest with ourselves.
Therefore, I have a fantasy grassroots idea/dream in which the masses of us, go to our voter registration card centers, and we change our voter registration status to “independent.” If you want to keep politicians “honest” (as honest as a politician can be), keep a little mystery in the game. Keep the politicians, and the extreme media antagonists, guessing what issues really are hot buttons for the majority of us, as a country and as individual family systems. Make them say where they really stand on issues, instead of appealing to the extremes of our current political parties. It seems like a really good way for us people to take back the power. And that’s what a democracy is, right? Democracy is meant to be a political system, made for the people, by the people. We are The People. No one in today’s political/media/lobby circus, represents the many, many people I have known and who I have loved, in my almost fifty years of being an American, so let’s bring it back to real. We Americans pride ourselves on being rugged individualists, not these cartoon versions of what the extreme sides of either party have become.
As I have said, I rarely dip my toes into politics, but for someone else who loves these grass roots kinds of movements, I put the idea out there. Let’s all change our voter registrations to “independent” and bring things back to balanced and centered. Let’s stop looking at other citizens as labelled cartoon versions of themselves, and let’s find a way to work together again, for the betterment of our beautiful, resourceful, inspiring country, for which so many brave, courageous people have lost their lives, in order to preserve America’s vision of hope and abundance. We are The People. Let’s remind them all of that fact.
My friend said that recently she woke up in the morning and looked at her bedding and decided that her comforter was getting worn and that she needed a new one. So, when she started looking at her phone, almost immediately all of these ads for comforters started popping up, no matter what she was looking at, on her browser. My friend is half-jokingly convinced that Google/Facebook/Twitter’s algorithms have gotten so good, that they are reading our minds.
Now, I personally think that Google/Facebook/Twitter are just copying, in rudimental fashion, the algorithm that the Universe/God has always had in place, since eternity. It never fails that if I need to hear a message, loud and clear, that message or that lesson pops up in my daily life all of the time, whether it be in books, on my computer, from talking with a friend or family member, or even just walking about in nature, when thoughts and ideas, seemingly “out of nowhere”, pop into my mind. The message that has been pinging lately in my heart, is to remember that we are always aiming for “progression, not perfection” in everything that we do.
Once someone asked me if I was a perfectionist and I scoffed. Ha! “Have you seen my clutter filled desk, or my stuffed closet?” I remember thinking. “Have you read any of my spelling-error-filled, confusing texts?” I am a rather impatient person who likes to get things done quickly, which doesn’t leave much time and consideration for perfection. However, when I thought more about the question, I thought that perhaps it is not so much what we do, that screams “perfectionist”, as it is, how we speak to ourselves about our actions. Do I beat myself up for my messy desk and closet and sloppy texts? Do I think I should live up to someone else’s standards that aren’t really mine? Do I stay away from trying new things for fear of “failing” at these endeavors? Do I judge myself so harshly that it steals a lot of the joy out of anything that I do? When something goes wrong, do I flog myself mercilessly about a mistake?
The quote above is my daughter’s favorite. It is her algorithm to herself. She pastes and writes this quote everywhere – in her room, in her tennis bag, on her artwork and on her social media. I love that this particular Dali quote speaks to her, so strongly. It helps my daughter to feel fearless with everything that she tries and everything that she enjoys. This quote reminds my daughter to remember how far she has come in her studies, in her athletics, in her friendships, in her artwork and probably every facet of her life, instead of berating herself for not being perfect. When we aim for progress versus perfection, in all of our endeavors, this allows for mistakes. And as we all know, mistakes in life are as inevitable, as perfection is impossible.
I was all set out to write about something else this morning, when my son texted me that former neighbors of ours, were recent victims of a murder/suicide. The husband shot his wife and then himself. By all accounts, this couple and their adult children, were happy, and full of life and love. If you look at their social media accounts, you would assume that they were leading a perfectly wonderful life. I think that in these difficult times, in particular, the old adage of “You never know what goes on behind closed doors,” applies more than ever. I also read something this morning that said that a real, truly happy smile is seen in the eyes. Let’s make a point of really looking into people’s eyes, these days. The masks make it easier for us to do this. We all have the ability to be kind. If ever there was a time in the world that needed showers and showers of kindness, this is the time.
Good morning. Welcome to Soul Sunday. On Sundays, I dedicate the blog to poetry. I either write a poem or I share someone else’s poem and I strongly encourage, you, my readers, to share your poems in my Comments section. This is a poetry workshop, a loving, virtual poetry reading, café. There is no judgment here, just a free flow of words, and thoughts and ideas and feelings. Today the Poetry Muse has not landed on my nose, or in my heart, so I am going to share another poem by Gwen Frostic, from her beautiful wood block printed book, A Walk With Me. This is the last poem of the last page of this magical, blissful book:
. . . and so . . . . there has ever been
beauty in a feather
drifting in the wind
beauty in the lichens
growing on a rock
beauty in the star dust
shining in the sun
beauty in the grasses
blowing in a breeze . . . . .
. . . . . . so . . . . .there will ever be . . . . . .
wondrous . . . simple . . . beauty
always here on earth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I woke up in a wonderful mood. I have a sense of well-being that is just calmly buzzing in my mind and in my body, like a happy little bee flitting from one pretty flower to another. I just woke up. Nothing is particularly different about any of my circumstances. In short, this peacefulness has nothing to do with anything outside of myself, other than perhaps a very good night’s sleep.
I am choosing to write about this state of being, so that I can always remember how good this feels. We always remember the intense feelings, right? The high highs and the low lows stick out in our minds, like recipe cards with stains and finger prints, sticking out above the rest of the card catalog, reminding and begging our minds to pick up, and to look at those cards, and to study them, again and again and again. Those familiar recipes of our moody moods, are easy to grab on to, and to ruminate in, and to bake in and to stew in. The easy going moods don’t beg for attention. The pleasant moods quietly slip on in, like our feet sliding into familiar, warm, well-worn slippers, without even having to think about the motions. The relaxed, carefree states of our minds, are when we are most present with ourselves. . . . My friend, Serenity, never plays with Worry or Anger or Fear. Serenity never notices Ms. Inner Critic or Mr. Guilt Trip. Serenity can’t be bothered with What If. Serenity never plays with Blame and Resentment or Agitation. And Serenity knows to stay far, far away from Shame. Serenity will stay with us, as long as we want her to stay (honestly, she never really leaves, but sometimes the Others push her into the background). Serenity isn’t loud and boisterous. She never insists on being the center of attention. She doesn’t need for things to be “just a certain way” in order for her to be her happy, carefree self. Sometimes we think that we are bored when we are with Serenity, but when we really let ourselves be with her, and to sit with her, and to enjoy her company, and to baste in her peace and wisdom and sunlight, Serenity is nothing short of sublime.
The above meme is literally “official information” from the CDC. I’m not convinced that they meant for it to be funny. Happy Friday, friends!! Happy Favorite Things Friday! On Fridays, I stay on the material plane of life, and I list three favorite things, movies, TV shows, songs, food stuff, beauty products, etc. that have made my life fun. I strongly encourage you to list your favorites in my Comments section and please see previous Friday listings for more favorites. Here are today’s favorites:
The Gardener – My friend recommended this film and it was so enjoyable to watch. This is a documentary of sorts, based on the true life of a very wealthy man, Francis Cabot, who devoted most of his life to creating his own fabulous garden and also to support the preservation of other amazing gardens, all over the world. The movie is peaceful. It’s like watching a beautiful meditation. It slows you down enough to make your recognize the true miracles of the natural world. This is one of the most pleasant viewing experiences I have had in quite a while. It is beautiful, calming and comforting, which are rare qualities in films these days.
CoolCabanas – One of my closest friends has to be a mermaid. She loves the beach like no one I know. Any time that she isn’t working, she is at the beach. We had a beach meet up the other night, and she, of course, was the first one to get there, texting us a picture of our “set up”. She had a beautiful CoolCabana tent which kept us shaded and socially distanced, perfectly. My friend was able to put up her CoolCabana easily all by herself (which is the purpose of the invention) and it is the sand which keeps the four corners of the tent firmly rooted in place. If you are planning to be at the beach any time soon, go to this website and check out these wonderful shelters: coolcabanas.com
Motherland Essentials Lotion Bars – Earlier this year, my best friends from college and I, took a weekend reunion trip together to the ever lovely, Charleston, SC. (before all of this Covid mess). We came across these Motherland Essentials products in a really cute, little, girly gift shop. As you know, I am all about good smelling stuff. These lotion sticks smell divine!! I layer my other perfumes on top of these scents and I believe that it makes my perfume last longer. These lotion bars are like aromatherapy in a stick. Motherland Essentials is a minority owned business, as well. Please see their website here: www.motherlandessentials.com
I didn’t do it intentionally, but I just noticed that all of today’s favorites came from my friendships. Friends will always be my favorite. Friends and Friday are the best f-words, ever invented.
A few weeks ago, I downloaded the app, Mood Meter, on to my phone. I had read an article about it, and I was curious to experience it myself. The Mood Meter app was created to help people develop better self awareness and emotional intelligence. Basically, how it works, is that you log into the app, and you map your mood, on a four quadrant graph, as shown above. Each color quadrant is divided into smaller squares, so you can better pinpoint, your exact mood. Then, if you would like to try to shift your mood, into an even better feeling place, the app gives you tips on how to do it. (I noticed that “smile”, is a prevalent suggestion.) You also have the option on the app, to type a few words about what is going on in your life and current situations, which very well might be contributing to your current mood.
Last week, was a really cruddy week for me. A lot of things happened that kept my mood in the blue quadrant. (or if I am going to be emotionally intelligent and brutally honest with myself, I should say that I allowed a lot of my life’s circumstances to keep me in the blues) To give you an idea about how tough last week was for me emotionally, according to the mood meter, 64% of the time, I was in the blue quadrant, as opposed to 6% of the time, during the three weeks previous to last week.
Now, of course, I have just been checking into my Mood Meter app randomly, whenever it struck me to do it, without any real rhyme or reason. I have been trying to post my moods at various times of the day, in order to give me clues about what times of day that I tend to feel better. For 23 days in a row, I never missed a day of at least checking into my Mood Meter, at least once or twice. Yesterday, though, I didn’t check into the Mood Meter. I broke my streak. 🙁
I reflected on this fact of missing my check in yesterday, and even without graphing my mood on the Mood Meter app, I came around to some pretty good self awareness. This week has been a much better week for me, emotionally and materially, than last week. Yesterday, was a wonderful day, connecting with my family throughout the day, enjoying a nice lunchtime walk with my husband and our dogs in some comforting, cooler fall weather, and then capping the day off, by meeting some of my closest friends to watch the sunset on the beach. It occurred to me that the proverb “It’s Better to Lose Count While Naming Your Blessings, Than to Lose Your Mind Counting Your Troubles!” (Rev. Run Simmons) totally applied. I sheepishly admitted to myself that I have a tendency to take all of my blessings, and all of the bounty in my life, for granted. It seems that I am quick to question, “Why me?” when troubles come around (and then quick to dot my Mood Meter with a lot of blue dots), but I never seem to question “Why me?” for everything in life which I have been gifted. Overall, my blessings have always, always outweighed my pains. And often, my so-called “pains” have turned out to be blessings in disguise, in the long run. I just took a pause, right now, right before writing this sentence, and I made a point of logging into my Mood Meter and logging my mood, in the far right, of the bright yellow quadrant. I am beaming thinking of one of my wonderful daily blessings that makes me so happy and excited and content- communing with you, my dear readers. I am grateful for you. Thank you for being a constant yellow dot, in each of my days.
A friend sent this meme to a text chat that we were having yesterday. We mothers were lamenting how hard it is for us, when our “remote kids” (grown and/or away at school) are going through stresses and we can’t be there to “fix” everything. We all laughed and related to the meme. I related to the meme so much that I spent a lot of yesterday afternoon thinking about it. When my friend sent the meme, I immediately texted back, “I think that’s what my family can’t stand the most about me.”
A few years ago, one of my sons angrily stated that I held all of my kids “on a leash.” That statement stung. (Obviously, it stung, as I am still remembering it and writing about it now.) I was floored by his statement. I was flabbergasted. I was so completely angry and incredulous and insulted. Was he kidding?!? A leash?!? I was the mother who went out of her way to give her kids privacy. I never opened doors without permission to enter. I never went through their things on snooping missions. Unlike many of their friends’ parents, I never tracked their whereabouts on my phone. I wanted to raise confident, independent, adventurous and autonomous children. I was the one who championed studying abroad, and I made the appointments for them to get their drivers’ licenses, as soon as legally possible. My mantra had always been to trust my children, until I couldn’t, and I stuck with that mantra valiantly, for the most part. I really never understood what my son meant completely with his “leash accusation”. I think we dropped the whole argument back then, and we moved on. Yesterday, though, I had an “aha” moment.
Despite my best and highest intentions, I realize that I do sometimes keep my entire family “on a leash.” The leash is never physical. The leash is never about whereabouts, or rites of passages. It’s more about happiness and comfort and security and control. It occurred to me yesterday, though truly unintentionally, I sometimes keep my family on a tight “emotional leash”.
For some backdrop to my point, I would like to talk about codependency. “Codependent” is a term that was first used to describe a spouse or a close family member of an addict. A codependent gets themselves so wrapped up in the addict’s life, keeping up appearances and responsibilities that really should be the addict’s duties, that they lose themselves in the process. A codependent’s happiness and security is only felt when they are keeping the addict’s life on track. If the addict is happy and behaving appropriately, then the codependent is happy. But trying to control an addict, and the consequences of addiction in an addict’s life, is a lot to deal with, and codependents often end up exhausted and depleted. Codependents often get extremely frustrated and resentful of their addicts, because they believe that everything that they are doing for their addict, often goes unreciprocated and unappreciated. The codependent has this idea that if they take care of the addict’s life, then it follows that the addict will “owe them” and return the favors and help to meet the codependent’s needs (whose needs tend to be mostly for security and control), but of course, that rarely, if ever, happens. Security and control do not blend well with addiction. Even more crazy, when an addict sometimes does do the hard work and heals their addiction, and then takes responsibility for their own life back, a codependent’s life typically falls apart. The codependent has made it such a total part of their own identity to keep the addict together, that they have completely lost focus on their own self (and sometimes their own mental and physical health) in the process. And whose really to blame in this scenario? Many people would say “look what that terrible addict did to that poor person”, and many times codependents do get a martyr status, but at what cost? Who gave their life away in this toxic system? The addict gives their life away to their substance or habit of choice. The codependent gives their life away to the addict. In the end, it is often the case that the codependent finds himself or herself to be equally as sick as the addict. The codependent is addicted to fixing the addict’s life, at the expense of working on their own lives, and growing their own interests and fostering their own health and well-being. And that is why they say that addiction is a “family problem.”
Now, thankfully, none of my children are addicts. The above explanation is the severest form of codependency, which I have used to drive my point. Codependency is a trait that a lot of us women have a tendency to veer into (even without the problem of addiction), particularly those of us who are mothers. There’s a whole spectrum of codependency and there is a whole spectrum of caring. Those of us women who have made raising our families, our highest callings and our highest purposes in life, often lose ourselves in the process, without even realizing it. That was never our intention. It’s just that we get so ingrained in our family members’ individual lives, that we forget about our own individual interests, and our own needs and our own well-being. We feel happy when everything is going well for our family members, and we feel devastated when it’s not. Now, some people would say, “Well, that’s just love and there is nothing greater than a mother’s love.” And that is true to a point. Of course, it hurts to see a family member struggling. Of course, it is exciting to see the people, whom we love with all of our hearts, triumph. However, when our own emotional states are so intertwined with the states of other people’s lives, to the point that we are losing sleep, taking on responsibilities that aren’t ours to take, making our loved ones feel incompetent because we step in all of the time and take over the wheel, and in the meantime, find very little of meaning or have very little focus on our own individual lives, that’s when we’ve crossed into unhealthy codependency. That is when we start holding emotional leashes. That’s where the term “helicopter parent” comes into play. When we make others feel responsible for our happiness, mostly because we have made ourselves responsible for their “happiness” (as we have defined it), this is an unhealthy equation that does not bode well for close, authentic relationships. We are not independent or interdependent in these types of relationships. Instead we are dependent on each other, and thus “codependent.” When others feel they have to be a certain way, or feel a certain way, or act a certain way, in order to keep our equilibrium okay, this system is bound to fail. It isn’t real. It makes everyone on edge. It has become a family system based on false security and a desperate need for control.
In the end, each of us is responsible for our own happiness. It’s not even possible to make anyone else feel anything. We each make our own feelings, and our own responses to, and boundaries around, things that happen outside of us. We each are responsible for our own lives, our own boundaries, and own satisfactions. No one deserves an emotional leash. Every adult in a healthy family deserves to be “free range.” We deserve to meet each other in our beautiful, familial meadows, sharing individual and shared adventures, without feeling a responsibility for anyone else’s responses, emotional states, or perspectives of these experiences in life. As much as caretaking is important in motherhood, so is modeling a healthy way of being. It is interesting to me that a meme that at first made me laugh at myself knowingly, made me introspect as much as it did, and seriously so. It made me reflect on life lessons that I thought I had already learned and mastered. Ha! (the story of my life) The meme made me want to get my proverbial scissors out, and to cut some leashes, for the betterment of my family and also, for the betterment of myself. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. And now, only love, authenticity and abiding faith remains.
I live in Florida and my friend sent me this meme. Only we Floridians are allowed to share it. Happy Autumn, friends!!! Fall is so many people’s favorite season. The cooler (but not too cold) weather, the beautiful changing leaves (in most parts of the country), the comfy sweaters and sweatshirts, getting back to a little more structure, the pumpkin breads, and pumpkin lattes, and pumpkin pies and pumpkin cookies, basically the pumpkin everythings, wearing boots again, Halloween and Thanksgiving, football, the crispness in the air and the coziness of blankets . . . . . Fall/Autumn (I wonder which name she prefers?), no matter what you want to call this season, it is nothing short of sublime.
It’s not lost on me that I am in the autumn ripeness of my own life. Will I one day look back on my own life and say to myself, “The autumn season of my life was definitely my favorite.”? I don’t know. I do feel a deep richness in this stage of my life, like no other. I have shed a lot of things that no longer serve me, much like a tree sheds its leaves, and yet I still feel rooted and solid. I am experiencing the bounty of everything which I have worked towards creating in life. My family has grown up nicely and still remains quite close at heart. My relationships have matured and deepened. My writing fulfills my need for purpose. My spirituality feels naturally a part of my every day experience, like never before. I wonder if with each season, we get closer to God? Perhaps it is in that little sliver of eternity, within the holy meridian that divides winter from the start of spring – perhaps that is when we are One with God completely? Is this perhaps, what is meant by the circle of life? That’s what I like about this autumnal time in my life. I have the time and the energy and the physical health, in order to be able to ponder these ideas and many other things. Autumn gives us time to pause and to ponder. What a beautiful, glorious, colorful gift!!
+ I hate songs that have police sirens featured in them. They always catch me off guard. A song came on the radio the other day with a police siren, and I desperately looked for a place to pull off of the road, convinced that a high speed chase was happening, despite the fact I was waiting in line at a bank’s ATM.
+I love the Fresh Market’s almond pillow cookies. The almond filling in the cookies tastes exactly like the way sweet almond oil smells. That’s a rare feat. Very few things smell and taste exactly the same. I can’t find the words to describe it, but it is amazing. I think sweet almond oil is one of the most alluring and beautiful smells ever created. I have purchased almond scented shampoos before, only for one reason, the shampoo’s lovely scent. Still, when you think of eating almond shampoo, that sounds absolutely gross, but yet these cookies taste divine, and their taste is totally idiosyncratic with the smell of sweet almond oil. Try them, and tell me that I am not right about this.
+We have been picking up a lot of take-out food lately. I have started taking pictures of the crazy long car lines which I have waited in, in order to get our food. My husband says that waiting in long car lines for take-out at restaurants, has become the new waiting in line for an available table.
And a couple of good quotes by other people:
“People who don’t enjoy food, it’s like I don’t want to work with them or be friends with them.” – John Turturro
“I usually play characters who smoke and drink box wines.” – Allison Janney
“Whenever I need to decompress now, I take my dogs for a walk. They are truly the ultimate therapy.” – Tory Burch
That’s all for a Monday. Keep looking up, better days are coming!!!
