September 2019 - Page 2 of 3 - Adulting: Second- Half

Fix or Feel

A friend of mine sent some helpful “keeping it all in perspective” one-liners to our group chat yesterday. One of the questions spoke to what is commonly seen as a male’s need to fix a situation versus a female’s need to just talk about the problem and vent. A minister suggested that you ask a person, “Do you want me to fix it or feel it?” The minister said that 95 percent of the time, his wife answers, “Feel it,” so he just becomes the best attentive listener that he can be. I think that I have a tendency to want to do both things for the people I love (feel it deeply with them and fix it right away), in an extreme, instantaneous manner to get everybody back to copacetic as quickly as possible. And then I wonder why they get annoyed with me. I plan to utilize this question more often. It puts me in mind of this hilarious, “Nail in Her Head” video. Here is the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5O11_Ma20Rk

Happy Friday Eve, friends!

What’s In Style

Image result for quotes on having your own style

I remember watching an interesting TV show several years ago. It was a follow-up show to free extreme makeovers people had gotten from the TV show, over a year prior. It was a talk show, maybe Oprah or something very similar to her show. They revisited the people they had given expensive makeovers to, in order to see if the changes had “stuck” and if the changes had made a difference in the people’s lives and self-confidence levels. Interestingly, very few people kept the new style given to them (in the ways of clothes, hairstyles, make-up etc.) Most reverted back to what felt more like “themselves.”

One woman stood out to me. She agreed to get a makeover because her children were embarrassed by her outlandish, sexy style. They were an affluent family. The woman’s original style could best be described as Dolly Parton/Pamela Anderson, on steroids. She had bleached blond hair done up very big, with lots of extensions. She had very long fingernails, all bejeweled. She wore very colorful make-up and plenty of it. She wore so much jewelry that she sounded like a one-person marching band when she walked. This woman seemed to be a very fun, friendly personality and she was “game” to trying a new look. Her kids wanted her to be “toned down.”

The makeover was amazing. The woman was a naturally attractive woman and with the modern, svelte clothes, her straightened, sleek hair, and her overall gorgeous sophistication, the audience couldn’t help but jump up and give her a standing ovation, when she sauntered out on the runway to show off her new look. She glowed in the adoration and seemed genuinely excited to give her look a run for it, in her normal everyday life. But a year later, when the show visited the woman, she was back to her sexy, bosom blonde bombshell self, maybe even more so. She told the host of the show that while it was fine to try on a new persona for a little while, it didn’t feel like it was herself. She missed what she felt was the “authentic her” when she looked in the mirror.

After A Star is Born, everyone raved about how lovely Lady Gaga looked in the movie, au naturel. Her toned-down hippie chick beauty was stunning, yet I read that being in that “form”, was her least favorite part of making the blockbuster movie. She couldn’t wait to get back to her over-the-top shock style that she is known for and what she feels is the essence of her.

Diana Vreeland, long time editor-in-chief of Vogue magazine had a very distinct style. Modeled after Japanese Kabuki theater, she liked to keep her skin very pale, and yet she wore her blush on her cheeks, like two very distinct pink circles. Apparently, while on a flight one time, a well-meaning flight attendant came over and started rubbing Ms. Vreeland’s cheeks, “Here dear, I’ll help you blend your make-up.” It was a story the bemused, authority on fashion, loved to share at dinner parties.

What I take from all of this, is that we all look best when we look in the mirror and we see “ourselves.” No one knows us, better than us and the way to feel totally alive is to be ourselves, completely, from the inside out. Now certainly, if you are representing a company or entity that you work for, you must wear the uniform, but when you are just representing yourself, wear YOUR uniform and wear it proudly with no apologies or explanations needed.

Everlasting Peace

This was posted on Twitter’s Think Smarter today. Is this really true though? We all say that we want peace more than anything, yet so many of our actions vie for attention, appreciation, applause, adulation and approval. Our actions show that we are addicted to the a-words, yet seeking peace outside of ourselves, by depending on what other people do and think, and relying on experiences outside of us to go exactly how we want them to go, almost always never happens. These things are not within our control. Being out of control makes us feel anxiety, not peace. Depending on outside influences and circumstances, does not brings us peace. Why do we always get so confused on this matter?

I think it may be because if we are honest with ourselves, we are more likely to get appreciation, applause, adulation, positive attention, and approval from other people (no matter how fickle and fleeting) than what we give to ourselves. I read this statement recently, scratched in one of my old notebooks:

We are much harder on ourselves than life is . . .

I am currently re-reading one of my favorite spiritual books of all time – The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. The premise of the book is that the peace that we are seeking lies within every single one of us, if we get past all of the layers of self-chatter, self-recrimination, judgments, beliefs, fears, pains. If we stop and observe all of that constant self-chatter, we are reminded that there is a very peaceful, non-judgmental observer who is seeing our “monkey mind” at work – the part of us that can actually observe our thoughts. That tranquil, loving observer is inside of every single one of us – the soul/spirit/God part of us, who just quietly experiences everything going on. It watches the things going on outside of us and takes in our physical sensations. It watches our minds and our thoughts, our brains trying to calculate and to make sense of everything, to give everything a story and meaning and a connection to our prior experiences – trying to give the illusion of control. This tranquil observer then experiences the emotions that the thoughts and the sensations from our experiences, evoke in our bodies and in our hearts. It makes no judgments, it makes no conclusions. This tranquil part of us is just aware. It is our awareness. It is our peace and it is always a part of us. It never goes away. We just have to get still enough to remember that it is there for us Always. Be still and know that I am. (Psalm 46:10)

Confession to Make

Driving around this weekend, I saw the life that I used to live, for years and for years and for years. That life was standing or sitting on the sidelines of so many sports fields and courts, cheering for my kids while they were playing soccer, basketball, baseball, football, lacrosse, softball, running track, tennis, etc. etc. Granted, I’m still a tennis mom, but I like to think that I am a less intense and obnoxious “stage mom” than I was in prior years. We’ll see about that during high school tennis season in the spring.

Someone recently told me that accusations are confessions. I had to sit with that one for a while. I really had to ponder as to what that means and if I agree with it. I decided that I do. Luckily, for the rest of us parents, on sports sidelines, there is always THAT one parent who is so over-the-top with their “cheering/sideline coaching/pushing/berating/protecting/yelling/screaming/demeaning”, that our own ridiculousness pales in comparison. We all get high and mighty about THAT parent, rolling our eyes, pitying the poor child and the poor spouse, smugly proud of keeping our own competitive ugliness, a little more contained and hidden out of view. At least, we’re not getting kicked off of the field. Hmmm-hmmm.

That’s when it dawned on me that the statement “accusations are confessions” does make sense. It is NOT saying that what we are accusing the other person of, is not happening. THAT over-the-top parent is just demonstrating, in a very extreme way, what we don’t like about ourselves. We project all of our embarrassment and shame on to THAT parent because we don’t want to own the part of ourselves that has similar tendencies, though perhaps not as extreme. Perhaps THAT parent is the most honest parent among us, because they are owning and showing their true feelings and ego issues, in a very out loud and honest way.

I decided that for now on, when I get annoyed at someone or something and start to feel the accusations rising to the surface of my mind, I am going to look a little harder for my confession in the accusation. It has been said that the people who drive us craziest are often the ones who are most like us. Self awareness is all of the rage right now and self awareness teaches us a lot – especially about the only person we have the power to change – ourselves.

We Will All Benefit

On Friday night, my husband and I were at this little local “hole in the wall” restaurant. (Are you sensing a theme here? Wow, this writer and her husband really love those “hole in the wall” places and let’s take another guess. . . . they then went home and watched another episode of whatever “violence, gore and sex” Netflix series they are currently addicted to – and she has the nerve to write about these things, as if that is interesting) Anyway, there was a singer there who was my absolute favorite kind of restaurant entertainment. He was unobtrusive, yet you found yourself singing along to his melodies. The singer added his own twists to the very famous songs that he was covering, but he didn’t butcher them. He was so emotionally involved in what he was doing, he was fun to watch, yet he didn’t beg for your attention. You could talk to your dinner mate or you could engage in his music and either way it was good. He also introduced me to my new favorite song, Jack Johnson’s “Better Together”, which I promptly came home and downloaded to my old-fashioned iPod. (enter my kids’ groans – Mom, you still use your iPod?!?)

Watching the singer, singing his melodies, happily and evidently, for no other real reason than the pure joy of it, (this was not a big venue) reminded my of a line in a book that I just finished reading. The book is called How To Walk Away by Katherine Center and it is all about the cataclysmic changes a young woman goes through in her life, when she tragically loses her ability to walk in a devastating accident. The main character in the book was a talented singer and always loved to sing before the accident. After the accident, the main character’s sister is desperate to get her depressed, paraplegic sister to sing again. The sister tells of reading an article that said if we don’t use our God given talents, if we don’t foster our passions, then our life can just collapse in on itself, much like a black hole.

Watching the singer at the restaurant, doing his thing, makes me believe that statement. Our particular joys and interests and talents and proclivities seem to have a way to pop out of our beings, even if we try to squelch them. How many would-be artists have pages of work memos and school papers, bordered in doodles? How many athletes are always physically moving and fidgeting, their bodies humming, always looking for an excuse to spring up into some kind of kinetic action?

I think what is sometimes tragic is that we seem to get confused that we have to make a living at what we love to do. I am sure that the restaurant singer, who was donning one of those rubbery wedding bands that a lot of the hipster men seem to wear these days, obviously had other responsibilities and he wasn’t likely supporting himself or his family members, with his gigs in teeny “hole in the wall” restaurants. Yet, his musical gift, the gift that was implanted in his very own DNA has to find its outlet, some way, somewhere, otherwise I suppose that it is possible, that his life could collapse, in on itself. That, or he could remain a shell of himself, a zombie living out a life that is constantly blowing out that very flame of passion, burning inside of him.

My guess of why some of us do everything that we can to squelch our own inner passions to the point of sometimes forgetting what they are, is that we don’t understand that even just a little release of these talents into the world, keeps the flame glowing steadily. I think that maybe sometimes we are afraid that if we let the light shine, it might overtake us and overtake our whole lives, until we are uncontrollable, raging wild fires. We don’t understand that there is a lot of real, sustainable life available to us in between gaping black holes and turbulent infernos.

When people are trying to find their way back to their talents – those passions that make them feel alive, it is often said to look back at what you loved to do as a child. What made you lose time when you were an uninhibited, spontaneous, “full of yourself” kid? What special traits of yours seem to pop out, into your adult life, despite you trying to keep them contained in a box on a shelf? Are you doodling in the borders? Are you writing long, flowery paragraphs in response emails sent to coworkers or your kids’ teachers? Are you showing random kids playing in the street, how to dynamically kick a soccer ball? Maybe take a chance of fanning your own inner flames. You, and the rest of us, will only benefit for it.

George on Sleep

I slept in late today and it was delicious. I’m still a little sleep foggy. So today, I am going to give the late, great George Carlin my blog platform:

“People say, ‘I’m going to sleep now,’ as if it were nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity. ‘For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.’

If you didn’t know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you’d seen.

They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the ‘mind adventures’ got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren’t unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.’

So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, ‘The creature is regenerating itself.”
― George Carlin

Casual Favorite Things Friday

Art speaks for itself, but sometimes the conversation balloon can be helpful.

Hi all! Happy Friday!! Happy Favorite Things Friday!!! It’s been a good, busy, productive week and now it is time to have some fun!!! New readers, Fridays are definitely casual and upbeat here at Adulting- Second Half. On Fridays, I list three favorites – anything from TV shows, to books, to websites, to jewelry, to food stuff, etc. etc. You get the picture. Please add to the list by putting your favorites in the Comments section and please check out all of the previous Friday posts for more fun favorites.

Let’s get this party started!

Jiuhong Stretch Removable Washable Short Dining Chair Protector Cover Slipcovers – Our kitchen chairs are getting a little ratty. We use them every day (like many people, we use our dining room set one time a year at Thanksgiving and also, mostly as a place to set piles of stuff). Anyway, after years of supporting four big, sweaty men and their big, sweaty, hungry friends, and also many spills and mishaps, our chairs might even be refused from Goodwill. However, these incredible slipcovers that I easily put on the chairs yesterday, made my husband and daughter think that we had gotten a whole new set of chairs! They give our breakfast area a whole new modern look and at $35 for six covers, they may be my bargain of the year. I read in the reviews that a lot of people buy these to protect their chairs when their grandkids come over or they are having a big party. Overall, I am more than pleased with this purchase!! You can order them on Amazon and there are many patterns to choose from.

Clays & Birds Twitter Feed – My aunt told me about this wonderful Twitter feed yesterday. On this past 9/11, this feed devoted its site to the brave service dogs and their handlers, who did the very difficult job of search and rescue at the site of the fallen buildings. The big “takes” I got from the stories (besides a complete and utter reminder of why I love and respect dogs, as much as I do), is that dogs get emotionally overwhelmed like we do and oftentimes, these search and rescue dog/people teams are volunteers and are not at all paid for their training and service. Wow! On the first point, the stories talked about the dogs getting so drained and overwhelmed by only finding deceased people, that live firefighters volunteered to be “found” alive by the dogs, to keep the dogs’ morale up. I know that our dogs get very upset when any of our family is emotional. It was such a reminder of the fact that animals have bigger hearts than we often give them credit for having. On the second point, there are websites that you can donate money to these volunteer search and rescue efforts, as they are a very vital and worthy cause. Check the Twitter feed out and have a box of tissues handy.

Military Working Dogs Forever Stamps – My mother always taught me never to settle for the flag stamps at the post office. She always looked through the mailing stamps available and picked the prettiest ones for her correspondences. I have always appreciated that lesson. It was not lost on me, even at a young age, that she meant that on a bigger scale, with all of our little choices that we make throughout the day. For often no upcharge, you can drink your water out of the prettier glass, or your coffee out of the mug that makes you smile, etc. etc. The little details often do matter. Anyway, as a person who loves stationery and always looks at the new stamps available, these have been my favorite stamps to come out all of this year! For the very reasons, discussed above, you can’t help but appreciate the loveliness and dignity of this stamp collection.

Have a great weekend, friends! Thank you, truly, for your support and validation!

From my other favorite Twitter feed (Think Smarter):

Thank Yourself

Have you thanked yourself lately? Have you given yourself some appreciation? Have you told yourself how grateful you are for the life that you have created? I think that you deserve some recognition for all that you do for yourself, don’t you? I’m sure that you are good at feeding yourself criticism and admonishment to do more and to be more, but have you balanced that out with any loving kindness and valuing of yourself?

Have you thanked yourself for everything that you have tried in life, even when it was hard? Have you really thanked yourself for all of the experiences you have tried – the new places you have gone to, the new foods that you have attempted to cook and to savor, the new abilities that you have taken the time to learn and to master, the new jobs and career paths that you at first had so little expertise in, the new relationships that you have nurtured, willing to risk your fragile heart? All of those things take so much bravery and courage. You deserve thanks for all of those experiences.

Have you been grateful to yourself, for all of the fun that you have given to yourself – interesting books and movies and shows and music and art that you have gotten lost in, amazing trips and vacations to places so different from what you call home, the willingness to laugh out loud at all of the absurdities that come with life? It’s great that you let yourself relax and to laugh and to smile and to take pause.

Have you said thank you to your body lately – the vehicle that allows you to experience all of the sensations that life has to offer? Have you thanked it for taking you to where you want to go, to helping you bring forth more life into this world, for continuing to run on the low fumes of lack of sleep and good nutrition, that sometimes come from the busy life that you lead? Have you thanked it for being so reliable and rarely breaking down? Or do you just get angry at your body for not being photo-shop beautiful or for finally breaking down and getting sick, when it has been pushed too far?

Have you been grateful to yourself for the comforting nest that you have created for yourself and for your family? Have you really said thank you to you, for giving yourself that comfortable couch, that warm bed, those cozy pillows, that eye-catching statue that is so aesthetically pleasing to you, and those large windows that allow the beautiful nature to feel like it is part of your inside home? Have you really thanked yourself for creating a soothing place to call home?

Have you thanked your sensitive heart for risking hurt with every new relationship that you have entered into? Have you thanked yourself for nourishing your relationships to the point that you really understand the depth and the breadth of your deepest love, even with the vulnerability that comes with that gift from your heart? Have you thanked yourself for co-creating every wonderful, wonderful relationship in your life – the good ones that you have with your partner, your family, your friends, your pets, your co-workers, your God? Those relationships that you work so hard to nurture are perhaps the most beautiful gift that you have given to yourself. Have you really said thank you to yourself for co-creating and nourishing them?

Have you thanked yourself for removing yourself from harm – harm and hurt from toxic relationships – toxic people, toxic places, and toxic things that were sucking the very life, right out of you? You took those very courageous, heart wrenching steps for yourself, to disentangle yourself from pain, when nobody else would or could do it for you. Wow, how amazing and loving and strong and protective of you! Have you really said thank you to yourself for all of this?

You are amazing to yourself. You do so much for yourself, even in the sometimes constant barrage of criticism and total lack of appreciation. There is no one who has done more for you in your life, than you. There is no one who is more reliable, willing and able to be with you, from your very beginning until your dying day. There is no one else in this world who is wholeheartedly with you, in your every triumph, and in your every stumble, than your very self. Have you thanked yourself lately? If there were any other person in your life, who has done this much for you, and stuck with you throughout your lifetime, through all of the good times and all of the bad, you would probably be on your knees and in tears of gratitude, for everything that this person has done and has been for you. How could you not love yourself? At the very least, have you thanked yourself?

9/11

As awful as 9/11 was, I remember feeling so close to everyone. I remember feeling love and compassion for others, strangers even, like I never had before. We were living in Pennsylvania when it happened, and our neighbor was on a business trip in NYC. He was in the World Trade Center. Thankfully, he was a survivor of the attacks. A couple of weeks after the attacks, he came to our house to tell us about the experience. I remember how much he emphasized how kind everyone was to each other, as they hurried down the staircases. He said that it was less of a panic and more of a unified urgency to help each other to safety. Out of one of the most hateful acts ever to be perpetrated, came out a universal Love like most of us had never experienced.

The Golden Carrot

My husband showed me an article in the Wall Street Journal over the weekend that showed a mansion on the market with its own underwater labyrinth of caves, meant for scuba diving. It is located outside of Kansas City. Overall, the mansion cost over $30 million dollars to build. Right now, it is listed at $11.8 million. Another 13,000 square foot mansion in Pennsylvania is being auctioned by its owner, in hopes for a quick sale. The mansion took three years to build, got finished around 2009 and cost over $35 million dollars. Having been up for sale since 2016, it is now being auctioned for $14.9 million. Up the highway from us, is a home that has been for sale for as long as we have lived here (over eight years). It boasts the largest residential pool in our county with 14 waterfalls and a lazy river. The 21,000 square foot mansion also has its own in-house ice cream shop.

It struck me that there are many reasons why these enormous, very custom homes do not sell very easily. First of all, and obviously, there is a very small pool of buyers with the financial ability to purchase these mansions. Further, if one has the ability to buy and maintain such a home, they also have the ability to build their own creation, custom to their own interests, which might not include scuba caves and ice cream shops. It also struck me how quickly these homes seem to go up for sale, after being having been completed. They don’t seem to be utilized and enjoyed, very long, despite all of the vision and planning and resources, that it took to create them. It really is the perfect analogy as to how life works.

Human beings get focused on our goals. It is in our human nature. Our DNA propels us to move forward, always with a little bit of discontent, believing that our next achievement is going to bring us the contentment that we crave. If we didn’t have that craving for the new attainment, would we have ever progressed beyond our cave dweller state of being? The thing to remember, though, is that the most enjoyment usually comes from the process of trying to attain our target. The excitement of building an idea in our head of what we would like to obtain, create and/or achieve, and then finding the means to bring about this idea into the material world, is the thrill of living. When we actually accomplish our goals, there is often a sense of disillusionment, maybe even some disappointment, after the initial exciting sense of glory wears off. We go after our prizes, but rarely is it the end resulting prize, that brings us the most pleasure. The process of working towards the achievement of the prize is really what keeps our juices flowing. And how often, after finally completing our mission, do we soon start searching for our new mission to fulfill? We put our 16,000 square foot colossal ideas brought to fruition on the auction block, and we start focusing on the next castle in the sky, to fulfill our dreams.

I don’t think that there is anything wrong with this realization. Again, I think that it is this constant yearning, in our human nature, that is what has brought us to all of our creative advances, so far. I think that it is probably more peaceful, wise and exciting, though, to clearly understand this, about our own very natures. We think that we all crave contentment, and so we strive at goals, with the idea that the achievement of said goal (money, power, relationships, physical prowess, genius creations/inventions, material items, academic/industry prizes, world peace, fame etc. etc. etc.) will give us this feeling of contentment. Yet it rarely does, or if it does, it only does so for a short time, before we are on our yearning search, to complete a new ambition. So perhaps the real answer to achieve contentment, is to be content with our discontent. Perhaps, coming to peace with the idea that our journeys will never be satisfied, that we will always be craving more experiences, more discoveries, more advancements and, the best part of this dissatisfaction, is the action and energy, that it propels us to take. We crave a sense of fulfillment, achievement, and contentment that stays with us only briefly when we win the gold medal. But if we realize that what really gives us contentment, is getting back into the training for the next race, our heads buzzing with the excitement or working towards the next Olympic gold medal, we are okay knowing that the carrot will always be on the stick. We will be honest with ourselves, knowing that our true contentment really comes from the chasing of that carrot, not the consuming of it. We will enjoy the process of living, with the realization that the process has no real end.