October 2018 - Adulting: Second- Half

Creepin’ It Real

Happy Halloween!! What a fun holiday!! It’s early in the morning and I already can feel the excitement in the air. When I was a kid, Halloween came to a close second to Christmas. I can’t wait to pass out candy to the adorable trick-or-treaters tonight. When they saunter up to the door, they usually assume the identity of their costumes. The ninjas leap daringly, the superheroes push out their chests, and the princesses hold their chins up, elegantly and regally.

People have had their Halloween decorations out for weeks now. There are a few houses that are just “known” to go all out for Halloween. Some of them create Haunted Houses that take weeks to set up. Even my husband and I have purposely driven by “those houses” to make sure that they’re going to be in full production this year.

Thinking of Halloweens past, brings a chuckle to my heart. One year I was called to pick up my eldest son from his preschool because his Darth Maul costume with the painted face that he insisted on having, was too scary and upsetting for the other kids. Another year, I purchased an Oreo cookie costume for my middle son. He was very frustrated that the costume wasn’t scary enough. He kept making extreme scary faces with a cream puff on top of his head. My two youngest sons both went as dragons one year. The picture of them dressed as double dragons was so cute, that the film developer (that’s what they did back in the day), took it upon himself to blow up the picture and frame it. My daughter is very artistic. Her Halloween ensembles have always had a dark, phantom-like quality to them, no matter how innocent the costume.

I grew up in the north. Some years it would snow on Halloween. It was always such a disappointment to have to cover up my fantastic, creative costume with a puffy winter coat. My youngest son writes for his school newspaper. He wrote a hilarious article this year entitled, “Dentist and Devils Both Start with D: Don’t Give Out Toothbrushes”. One year we lived in the same neighborhood (clearly in a different division) as the Steelers’ great, Jerome Bettis. Jerome happily passed out the king-sized candy bars to the trick-or-treaters himself, with a line forming miles down the street.

It bothers me when people demonize Halloween. Why?? It’s just great fun! It’s that one day of the year to let it all hang out. It’s that one day of the year when we embrace every part of ourselves. Halloween is the day that we admit that we all have dark sides, and wild and crazy parts, to go along with the responsible, buttoned-up, practical side of ourselves we typically show the world. I remember being at a Halloween party one year with a lot of the other moms from my neighborhood. There was one mom in our play group who was the epitome of conservative, southern genteel. She was the standard we all measured our mom-worthiness by – unflappable, structured, neat, orderly and almost perfect. That year, she showed up to the Halloween party in a Disco Diva costume that put the Solid Gold Dancers to shame. She danced like I have never seen anyone dance and I loved her for it! I saw an aspect of her that night that I didn’t know was under all that virtue. How great is that!

“If human beings had genuine courage, they’d wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween.” – Doug Coupland

Where’s Your Dedication?

A while back, I read an article about a school principal who was being honored for the many valuable changes he had made to make his school from one of the worst schools in the area, to one of the best. He said that the mantra he had grown to live by was, “If you want something badly enough, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.”

Reflecting back on your life, you can see the things that you wanted badly. You would stop at nothing to get it. The burning drive to achieve whatever was most desired couldn’t be stopped by any obstacle. No negativity was allowed to seep in to stop the momentum. Smart Thinking, my favorite Twitter feed recently posted, “Be stronger than your strongest excuse.” When we really want something, that strength isn’t hard to find. When we feel uninspired about something that we are doing, the excuses wheedle their way in easily.

I find that I use these reflections to really look at what I’m doing on a daily basis. There are things that I am doing that I’m obviously just going through the motions, in a lackluster way. Could that be showing me that there are certain areas in my life that I am just wasting my time? Are there things that could be cut out of the schedule or modified or changed because I am not doing them with gusto and often I am looking for excuses not to do them at all? Of course, there are certain daily things that we just have to do like wash the dishes, do the laundry, pay the bills, etc. These things are hard to do with any kind of enthusiasm at all, but they still need to be done. Even so, there are also a lot of filler items that we all have in our lives that become habits, “have-tos”, “just what we do”s, that maybe aren’t necessary and are blocking us from really trailblazing towards our biggest passions and possible achievements.

Actions speak louder than words. We can say that we really want something, but the actions we are taking show us really how badly we want it. Anne Wilson Schaef said, “When we underestimate ourselves, we are insulting God.” We can really want something, but we then let fear and insecurity stop us from achieving it. But if God put that desire in our heart, doesn’t it follow that He will use the forces of the Universe to help us attain our yearnings, if we put the action in and passion towards our goals in equal measure?

To really be clear about what we are wanting to accomplish in life, we have to become observers of our own actions. We have to observe the feelings that either propel us towards our goals or hold us back from carrying out what we say we want to achieve. When we get clear on our objectives and understand our true motivations, there can be no stopping us, on what is truly ours to realize.

I saw this posted on a wall the other day, “Do more of what makes you forget to look at your phone.” The actions that we get lost in, the things that make time stop for us, are where our hearts lie. When we follow the path of our heart with honest recognition, passion, desire, confidence and faith that Higher forces are helping us along the way, there is no stopping us!

A True Love Story

When I first decided to start my blog, I thought that I mainly should keep it to being about my own thoughts about this transitional middle stage time in my life. I feel that my family’s and friends’ privacy is important, and I try only to mention them anecdotally, as it relates to my own experiences. So, on my 24th wedding anniversary, which is today, how do I protect the privacy of the most important, meaningful relationship in my life and yet still express everything that this day means to me and more importantly, everything that my husband means to me? There aren’t really words that can fully convey the blessing that it is, to be married to my best friend, my soulmate, my lover, my life partner, “my person.”

When Gwyneth Paltrow asked her father how he and her mother had such a long, successful marriage, he said that they never wanted to be divorced at the same time. I remember years ago, being at a wedding and watching this elderly couple dancing with each other, gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes. I was so enchanted, I sauntered up to them and asked them what the secret was, to their long, happy marriage. They said, “Oh, we’re not married, honey. We just started dating.”

People are always wanting to know the secret formula for everlasting love. My husband and I were out celebrating our anniversary at a lovely restaurant this past Saturday. The man who brought us our bread wished us “Happy Anniversary” and asked how many years we have been married. When we said we have been married for 24 years, he looked utterly amazed. He said, “Twenty-four years, Wow! I can’t string together 24 months in a relationship.”

I wish I could explain “the secret formula” to having a long, successful, happy marriage. Just like all the centenarians who give conflicting advice on the secret of having a long life, I’m not really sure that there is just one answer, or just one way. I just feel incredibly blessed and lucky and thankful that the formula my husband and I have created, works for us. I’m totally in love with my husband. I love the life we have created together and I’m so grateful for the many life adventures we have shared. I cherish our family.

When we were in a lovely hotel one time, my husband took a picture of a saying, hanging up on the wall and he texted it to me. It said, “A True Love Story Never Ends”. I hope that our love story never ends, because our love is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Our love has brought forth everything that I hold dear in my life. Happy Anniversary, my love. Thank you for everything!

Stand Back or Get Close

“Being impressive makes people stand back to take you in. Being vulnerable brings people closer to take you in.” – Holiday Mathis

I read the above quote recently. I thought how true a statement it really is, in many ways. We work so hard to impress people sometimes, but that really does keep other people at a distance, at arm’s length. If we want to keep everyone at an admiring distance, we can try to stay impressive. But if we want to experience real closeness, we have to be brave enough to be vulnerable and show our cracks. As Leonard Cohen said, “There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”

I read once that some of the most dangerous “drugs” to get addicted to are: approval, appreciation and attention. When we are dependent on these things, we are not being ourselves. We are being what we think we have to be, in order to get others to like us. Living to impress others, living to get others’ approval, appreciation and attention, never allows us to truly get up-close and personal with people. It keeps us in a state of loneliness, even if we are receiving applause.

When it comes to friends, I always tell my children that it is better to have four quarters than 100 pennies. To have a few people in your life, who know you truly and love you deeply, cracks and all, is one of the greatest blessings in life. When you hold yourself back in a state of always trying to impress others, you miss out on true intimacy and the beautiful, real reflection of yourself from the eyes of someone who truly knows the core of you and loves you for it.

“To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of life.” – The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Funky Florida

I wasn’t surprised at all that the guy who ended up sending all of those bombs through the mail was from Florida. I can say that. I live in Florida and I love living in Florida, but so do a lot of freaky people.

Before we moved to Florida seven years ago, whenever we would see any crazy news story, my husband and I would look at each other and say, “I bet that happened in Florida.” About 90 percent of the time, we were right. A lot of wacky events happen right here in the Sunshine State. We still say that to each other whenever a jaw dropping event occurs.

Why is it that a lot of people are probably nodding their heads right now agreeing with me about all the bizarre stuff that happens here in FLA? I think it is because of a lot of things. Florida is the third most populous state in the country. Someone once told me that Florida is just a small microcosm of the whole United States. We have people from every state and country in the world residing here. Rarely do I meet people that are actually from Florida. Most people who come here usually have had one winter too many and just can’t take it anymore. I do have one friend who grew up right where we live in Florida. I said to him, “Wow. You’ve never lived anywhere else??” He said, “Why would I want to?”

So, Florida has a huge, diverse population. It’s an attractive place to live, due to it’s tropical nature, mild winters and beaches galore. We don’t have state income taxes, we have a lot of big professional sports franchises, amazing theme parks and great universities. Maybe even the crazies are sane enough to know that it’s a pretty good place to live, albeit being very hot and humid. There are some studies that show that heat does amp up irritability and aggression.

I hope that there aren’t readers out there going, “Oh, now I get it. Her writings are very interesting in a little “off” kind of way. But, hey, she’s from Florida.”

TGIF TGIF TGIF

“Thursday doesn’t even count as a day, it’s just the thing that’s blocking Friday.” – anonymous

We got past our blocks!!! Happy Friday!!! New readers, I keep it very Friday on Fridays. Meaning, I don’t go heavy and deep. On Friday, I discuss three favorite things of mine and explain a little why I think that these items are so fantastic. On a different note, although participation has been spotty, I do encourage my readers to comment about their favorite items in the comment section. Recently, someone dear to me, apologized for commenting on my blog and said that she didn’t realize that the comments were public. What?!? Why?!? I LOVE COMMENTS! I see the numbers and stats of people reading my blog. I know you are out there. I would LOVE to get to know you better! I would love discourse and new perspectives on my quirky thoughts. Please don’t ever, ever hesitate to comment. You can even disagree. I can take it. I’m tough, especially on Fridays.

On to Favorite Things Friday:

ELLE magazine – As beautiful as the fashion layouts are in this magazine, I don’t subscribe to it for that reason. I don’t wear $4,000 blouses. I love to leaf through all that beauty and style, quickly, to get to the reason why I will always subscribe to Elle. I love the advice column by “Auntie E” – E. Jean Carroll. Her answers to fascinating questions are always so sure, confident, illuminating and inspiring. I’m pretty sure there is no one in this world who has more moxie and panache than E. Jean. She’s 74 and appears to be one of the most “hip, with-it” ladies this side of the Mississippi. She’s hilarious, kind, direct and on-point. E. Jean Carroll has a great website covering her column, as well, and has created other businesses along the way, like a game app and a dating service. I’m a huge fan of Auntie E.

Think Smarter twitter feed – This is like getting your daily mantra for life, every day. Each day, whoever created this amazing feed, finds one totally amazing thought-provoking post that just makes my jaw drop. I typically think about the post for the rest of the day, in a good way. If you think you already know all there is to know about life, follow this feed and you will be humbled. “Think Smarter” is the perfect title for it. Love it!

Digest Gold – It makes me nervous to suggest dietary supplements on my blog. I think I should add a disclaimer to talk to your trusted doctor about anything you ingest. That being said, if you have digestion issues, this over-the-counter supplement made a world of difference for me and so, I recommend that you try it. No matter what age I have been throughout my life, my stomach has always been geriatric. I think I have probably had IBS since I was about 8-years-old. I would do anything for a harmless, painless needle that I could use intermittently to pop my gut and let all that air out, ideally quietly and discreetly. Anyway, Digest Gold has made a big difference for me in the ways of comfort and relief. I take it daily.

” ‘I’m so sad it’s Friday. I wish it were Monday already’ said No One in history ever.” – anonymous

You Can’t Handle the Truth

There has been so much in the news these days about dishonesty, “fake news”, spin doctors, and distorting the truth. I found a couple of quotes about lying that made a lot of sense to me:

“Truth is completely spontaneous. Lies have to be taught.” – Buckminster Fuller

“The advantage of telling the truth is that you don’t have to remember what you said.” – Rita Mae Brown

The older I get, the more important the absolute truth has become to me. Jack Nicholson’s character in the movie A Few Good Men, famously shouted, “You can’t handle the truth!”

But honestly, that just isn’t true.

The truth always comes to light. What is done in darkness, always comes to light. So when we lie, not only does the person or entity who we lied to have to “handle” the uncovered truth, they also have to “handle” that they trusted someone who lied to them.

“Every lie is two lies – the lies we tell others and the lie we tell ourselves to justify it.” – Robert Brault

I feel like a sick-in-my-stomach teenager just writing this post. There are few things in the world that make you sicker to your stomach than lying and/or being lied to by someone you trust. We all probably can remember that feeling when a parent or an authority figure or someone we loved deeply looked at us with grave disappointment and stated that they did not know when they would be able to trust us again to tell them the truth, after we told them a careless, hurtful lie.

“Telling lies and being deceitful takes so much more energy than being honest and sincere.” – Stephen Aitchison

I wish that we all had to the courage to live our truths, be our truths, and honor our truths. Everyone is so concerned about what other people think about them, how they are being perceived and what persona to take on, in order to get the things they think that they want in life. Lying is a natural outcome when we are living other people’s ideas of who we should be. If we are living in truth, emboldening the truth, then it follows that lying would not be possible. Truth and authenticity would be our only way. Frankly, there are many people who we don’t particularly like in life, but we respect and trust them because we know firmly where they stand. I would rather be a respected and trusted person, than a popular false persona whose choices and thoughts change on the whims of others’ impressions of me.

“A liar will not be believed when he speaks the truth.” – Aesop

How to Branch Out

I have written before about the fact that I have started a game that I call Family Hashtag. Every day my immediate family members post a hashtag and a word or a phrase that reflects the kind of day that they are having, to a family chat. It is my sneaky way to get comfort in the fact that they are all alive and breathing and still interested in connecting with the family unit. We have quite a streak going now, of not missing a day when we all have posted to the chat. My daughter posted this the other day:

#Let’sGetThisBread

My sons immediately connected with it and they knew exactly what she was talking about. As it seems to be the way of things these days, I had to “look it up” for my husband and I to get caught up on the knowledge. Apparently it has become quite a popular meme in the last week or so. It means (from a good source on the internet):

The term itself is nothing new – it’s just a sort of encouragement to work hard and get the rewards that the work brings.

I had the feeling that’s what it might mean but I didn’t want to use it in the wrong sense and embarrass myself and my family (it’s happened before). Apparently, I’m not the only person in my generation who was a tad confused. I read that when one man got the same “Let’s Get This Bread” text from his son, he offered to stop at Costco after work to buy a loaf.

This is such a weird stage of life when you feel like you are straddling two cultural entities. One of my feet is sitting comfortably in the nostalgia and familiarity of my slightly outdated tastes in music, manners and the comfort of rooms in my house that reluctantly need to be updated. The other foot feels like it needs to step forward and stay relevant and interested and connected with the things that are striking a chord in my children and the members of their generation. Sometimes I look at my dogs wistfully and think, “Damn, it would be a lot easier to be a dog.”

We are getting quotes on updating a bathroom in our home that is very retro 1980s style. We’re not sure whether to hang on long enough knowing that it very soon may turn into a valuable antique relic room that we could offer tours and charge money to see it. Recently, while shopping, I saw a game called “90s Nostalgia Game”. I thought to myself, “Wow, if we are starting to get nostalgic for the 90s, that can only mean everything that I have from the 1970s and 1980s has to be museum quality.”

Anyway, we have been gathering quotes. The first man who came out to give us a quote on updating our bathroom was the age that I am starting to see in a lot of authority figures around town, like police officers and teachers and store managers. He was probably about 30, just slightly older than my kids. He looked aghast when he saw the bathroom he had to work with and essentially gave me the idea that we would probably just have to blow up that entire corner of our home. The second lady to come out to look at our bathroom was my around my age. I was drinking a Green Vibrance Smoothie and we connected over that, comparing how much flax seed we both add to our smoothies these days. When she looked at our bathroom, I think we both got a little misty-eyed. I thought she might put her arm around me and we would bond over the overdone, yet strangely charming opulence of the 1980s. I honestly liked and connected to both of these designers very much. I think they both had very interesting ideas and points of view.

Perhaps it is a blessing to be in this stage of life where you have to expand and grow to be able to communicate and relate with your children and younger colleagues, yet you are still able to relate to the older generations and to retain an appreciation for the footing that they have provided. Perhaps this time of life is actually the most expansive we’ll ever be. If you look at a horseshoe curve, the middle part is the big bend. It is pulled in two directions, so it is the longest stretch. The middle part of the horseshoe curve has the biggest curve in it. It must be like the seasoned branches of a tree that are able to be bent, but they are green enough so they don’t break. Branches like this are old enough and long enough to be bowed, but still have enough vitality and youthfulness in them to not be too old, and brittle, and stuck; to just break and splinter and disintegrate. Today, I consider myself a blessed, curved branch in this Tree of Life.

Why Shouldn’t You Love Yourself?

I love the voice of the singer Norah Jones. I played her Come Away With Me album so much, I fear that I may have turned the rest of my family off to her. But I think Norah Jones has one of the most gorgeous, soothing, silvery singing voices I have ever heard. The other day I was listening to her sing the remake of the Hank Williams song, “How Many Times Have You Broken My Heart?” It is a great remake and an easy song to sing along to, but then I got to thinking about the lyrics. We are supposed to feel sorry for the singer who has repeatedly been hurt by a straying lover. And you can’t help but feel sorry for the singer, to a point . . . . . . Then, after a while, if you were a good, true, honest friend to the singer, you would probably have to say, “Stop being a victim. Stop being complicit in your own pain. Take back your power. Love yourself.”

That may sound harsh, but it is true. When we stay in victim mode, we give away our power. When we stay with repeatedly abusive people and unchanging abusive situations, we start to fall into the realm of self-abuse. All abuse is wrong. Self-abuse is abuse. Accepting abuse is self-abuse. Again, all abuse is wrong.

We’ve been conditioned to love others, take care of others and to be “selfless.” But the truth is, we can’t give our best love to others without truly loving ourselves first. Hurting people hurt people.

“If the nasty voices in conditioned mind are allowed to be cruel to us, it will follow as the night, the day, that we will be cruel to others. That’s just the way it is. We can’t be with anyone else in ways that we are not with ourselves.” – Cheri Huber

I was discussing the above quote with friends and a few of them didn’t agree with it. They felt that they could be loving and kind to others and still be incredibly harsh to themselves. And that may be true to a point, but if you are unfailingly loving to yourself wouldn’t it all but guarantee that you would only know love as a way of being? If your only way of being is the the way of love, then it follows that it wouldn’t be possible to be anything but loving to yourself and to others. Why should loving yourself not be a part of the equation?

“The most important relationship in life is the one you have with yourself. And if you have that, any other relationship is a plus and not a must.” – Diane von Furstenberg

If you learn to love yourself the way that you want to be loved, you are fulfilled. In that sense, when you enter into any relationship you are bringing a fulfilled, whole person into the partnership or friendship or relation. There is not neediness or expectation, just the joy of shared love, commonalities and experiences. In healthy relationships you are enhancing each other’s lives, bringing fullness and excitement and mutual interest to each other’s experiences. But you are not dependent on the other person to create that fullness, excitement, and interest. You are multiplying it together.

Charlie Chaplin said, “As I began to love myself, I freed myself of anything that is not good for my health- food, people, things, situations and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is Love of Oneself.”

What is Your One-Hundred?

Today is my 100th day of blogging! It’s been 100 days since my eldest little birdie took off from the nest to start his own adult life. This is post number 100. Thank you so much for being there with me, as I have navigated my confusion and grief and curiosity about my changing role in this middle-age stage of life. Thank you for helping me to establish this blog and supporting my voice and validating what I have to say. I have heard many reports that this blog is “relatable.” I appreciate that. I’m glad that I am not alone in my observations. I hope that you will stay with me for 100 more blog posts because I’m just at the starting block of this Second Half of Adulting.

Why is 100 such a benchmark number? I remember when my kids were in kindergarten, they couldn’t wait for the 100th day of school. On that day, they brought in their magnificent 100 penny posters, designed any way that they liked with the pennies glued into all sorts of designs. They dressed like little old grannies and grandpas with baby powder in their hair and they wore scratchy cardigan sweaters. The 100th day of school was a very special day for them.

I looked up the significance of the number 100. This is what one site said:

The numerology number 100 represents energy that’s self-determined, independent, and has infinite potential.

100 can be seen as a practically unlimited number 1.

The urban dictionary said this:

one-hundred

a one-hundred means what is your motto for life. you are 100% you and you live by this.

“What is your one-hundred?”

So 100 seems to refer to “your best” – giving 100 percent to what you do. Some websites referred to a century, saying that what happens in 100 years is the most significant breakdown of time and history for human beings.

I looked up advice from centenarians (people who have lived for 100 years) for this post. A lot of the advice contradicted other centenarians advice, such as drink three whiskeys every day to don’t ever drink alcohol. The advice that did seem pretty consistent from all of them was: don’t worry, be loving and lovable, be interested and interesting, and just do your thing. In other words, they were saying, You Be You. Just be and enjoy it along the way. I think it was best summed up this way by one centenarian:

“Take one day at a time, and go along with the tide.”